mascot

I think I would like it if a ham was a mascot for a team, and the team was called the Hamhocks. Nothing scarier? weirder? more delicious? than a giant ham running your way.

Consider this my return to the blogosphere.

(Mary, this is for you!)

a thought

Isn't it weird to think that intestines are so long and windy (whine-dee) but that we have them IN OUR BODIES?

Yeah, that kind of really freaks me out. Because it's a little gross.

Also I hate it when they are called "entrails". I probably would've hated it in the middle ages too, which seems to be when they called them "entrails" all the time.

will you be my valentine, self?

Apparently I am not one for committing to a blog. Whenever I make a faithful commitment to write in it, I seem to suddenly stop writing in it. Curious, very curious.

It's almost February. Which means it's almost Valentine's Day. Now, I'm not one of those people who gets all, "VALENTINE'S DAY IS STUPID!" as soon as the "holiday" rolls around. Let's remind ourselves, friends, that we can be our own Valentines. That can mean buying Chinese take out and watching a marathon of 30 Rock episodes. It can mean making a giant ice cream sundae for one. It can mean going to Blockbuster and buying 3 movies for $20 because you deserve it, dammit! It can mean getting to Walgreen's RIGHT after prime candy selling time and getting those big Reese's hearts for 50% off. Delicious! And no one will be all mopey because I'm not paying attention to them. Isn't that beautiful?

Celebrate yourself this year, especially if you get the urge to sit around feeling sorry and "lonely". Come ON people! If you can't love the one you're with (you!) then you are missing out on one of the best and most important relationships of your life. If YOU can't make yourself happy, then how is anyone else supposed to?



Love and kisses and a whole pile of delightful books to read,

Katie

christmas thoughts

How do you get a job in Santa's workshop? What is the application process?

What, exactly, does Santa make? Does he sit down at the work tables and help make toys? Does he just walk around with a clipboard? Does he help make iPods, for example? Does he endorse Apple or Microsoft?

Is it always fun in Santa's workshop?

Do they make hot cocoa instead of coffee in the breakroom?

Is Santa always jolly, or can he be a real pain in the ass as the holidays get closer?

How did he choose the North Pole as his living quarters?

What is the collective favorite holiday film of everyone at the North Pole? (I would choose "Elf".)

Are the other reindeer jealous because Rudolph has his own song? Is Rudolph like SO over that whole "saving Christmas" thing that happened like 100 years ago? Or does he still think he's the man?

Does Santa think claymation Christmas films are creepy? (I do.)

accomplishments

Every time I do something like wash my clothes, clean the bathroom, take out the garbage, or load the dishwasher, I am outrageously proud of myself. I expect the world to stand up, slow clap, and tell me, "YOU DID IT. LOOK AT YOU!"

That's normal, right?

Well, fine. If you guys aren't going to do it, I have a large stuffed animal following who WILL. Also, they will have tea parties with me. Total win-win.

I need a winter coat. I seem to have forgotten that it isn't summer anymore. I throw on a zip up sweatshirt and am constantly surprised that I'm cold.

This morning I had one of the 5-9am Container Store Merchandise Processing shifts. When I drag myself out of bed at 4:15am on these special mornings, I expect applause as well. Where IS everyone?! These are great accomplishments!

In an unrelated note, I am pretty sure elephants live upstairs. How else to explain the stomping and the at-least-one-time-a-day dropping of heavy furniture upon my ceiling* (*that is just what it sounds like)? I really just want to go up there and watch what's going on. They wouldn't have to change any of their behavior. I just want an explanation!

the accidental hermit

Apologies for my bad blogging behavior! For the past couple of weeks I've been distracted because a) I quit my job helping people accessorize and b) began training to help people organize (The Container Store!), as well as c) started rehearsals for a musical in which I have a few lines AND get paid to perform! All of it is making me a little nervous, because it will be the busiest I have been in quite some time. I haven't had a schedule where school wasn't included since I was about 3 years old. I have to say, as much as I miss my friends and my full-time support system, I am relieved every day by the fact that there is no school work that needs to get done. Sometimes I forget and start scanning my brain for homework assignments, and then I suddenly realize: I. Don't. Have. Any. Except for one assignment, handed out by Professor Me: Find my motivation.

It's harder than it sounds. When you are the only one holding yourself accountable, becoming overwhelmed seems almost inevitable. At even the slightest inkling of becoming overwhelmed, I will begin my retreat into habits and behaviors that drive me, and I'm sure everyone around me, crazy. Sleeping excessively. Avoiding social outings. Letting messes pile up. Eating only fast food. Feeling sick when nothing is actually wrong. Putting off practice, or laundry, or grocery shopping, or even calling to check up on my friends.

Five years ago, I was diagnosed with high anxiety and depression. It was a relief to find an explanation for behaviors within myself that I hadn't understood for years. There were many things that lead up to this diagnosis, but after trying to overcome it on my own for x amount of years, the dam for the deep familiar sadness and panic was starting to give way. All of my energy went into making it seem like nothing was wrong. It was exhausting. The breaking point was my 18th birthday; the dam finally cracked, causing me to have the worst birthday in my recorded history, to break up with my then-boyfriend in a horrible and abrupt manner, and to make the decision to start seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.

There is a societal stigma, even now, associated with seeing a therapist and / or a psychiatrist. For the record, it's a decision I have never regretted. At the very beginning of the process, I let myself feel ashamed and embarrassed. I thought I was weak for admitting that I had a serious problem. I wondered what these strangers could possibly tell me that I didn't already know myself. I came to realize that even if I "knew" what I "should" be doing or feeling to help myself, asking for and seeking out help was something to be proud of. I couldn't do it on my own, and THAT WAS OKAY. The two women I began to see saved my life in many ways, because they made me realize I was not alone and that I wasn't weak, or stupid, or silly for seeking their help. It's terrifying to ask for help. It is true surrender and an ongoing process. I expect that I will have to relearn how to ask for help many times in my life. And I've learned to be okay with that.

One part of this process is finding ways to become less overwhelmed socially. Even with friends I have had almost my entire life, I still retreat and become terrified that I am letting or will let them down at some point. On the flipside, I also reason that I am saving myself from being let down by pulling away. I put off talking to or catching up with people. I miss important events or moments because the urge to hide or pull away becomes greater than the need to be with them. I hate it. I don't understand why I do it. I know it's happening, but it's like I'm watching myself from across a room. I see the signs, but cannot always find a way around them yet. There are a lot of friends I miss and I am afraid I have lost because of this behavior. Through this post, I'm sending a message out into the universe that I want this to change. I work on it every day. I know I have a long way to go. As an introvert, I know that I need my alone time to recharge, refresh, and reflect. But I also know that sometimes I need to force myself out of my little cocoon. It is a cozy cocoon filled with books, tv shows and pillows, but I know it can't turn into my whole world all the time.

I DO love my tv shows though! I FINALLY AM CAUGHT UP TO BONES IN REAL TIME! Now I can watch and be surprised with the rest of the world! Which actually kind of sucks, because it means I have wait just like the rest of the world. So, maybe NOT a good move?

Shows I am currently watching which means you should be too: Modern Family, The Middle, Bones, Community, Glee, No Ordinary Family, The Event, Running Wilde, 30 Rock, The Office. What in God's name did I ever do before Hulu?! No, seriously. What did I do?

pet names pt. 1

I have been thinking lately of what I want to call my future significant other, when I have one. No comment on the status of any future significant other. But I have the names ready. SO STEP RIGHT UP, MENFOLK.

Here's what I have thought of so far:

-my little acorn (squirrel themed)

-my baby paint can

-my sweet flower pot

-ma petite pomme de terre avec le fromage (my little potato with cheese)

-my baby kitten paw

-my sweet marshmallow-stuffed pillow

-my birthday duck

-my little pile of crunchy fall leaves

-my sweet pet squirrel

Really. Fall just makes me want to walk around in track jackets and hold hands, enjoying the beautiful colors and crisp air and clear skies.

*insert wistful sigh here*