the bachelorette

The summer is hard without my tv shows. But what I DO have is "The Bachelorette" and now Monday is again an accepted day of the week for me.

How would I do as the bachelorette (I wonder)? I mean, if people want to just find me 25 guys that seem perfect for me, I'm okay with that. No Bentleys. NO Jakes. I want some McLovins, Andrew Garfields, Matthew Lewises (hel-LO Mr. Grown Up Neville Longbottom, and may I say, you turned out DELIGHTFUL), Darren Crisses, Ryan Goslings, Wil Wheatons, James McAvoys, Joseph Gordan Levitts, Joel McHales, and the like. Don't think that's too much to ask. Really. It's ridiculous that it hasn't already been arranged. I am reality tv gold. Someone get on this.

mascot

I think I would like it if a ham was a mascot for a team, and the team was called the Hamhocks. Nothing scarier? weirder? more delicious? than a giant ham running your way.

Consider this my return to the blogosphere.

(Mary, this is for you!)

will you be my valentine, self?

Apparently I am not one for committing to a blog. Whenever I make a faithful commitment to write in it, I seem to suddenly stop writing in it. Curious, very curious.

It's almost February. Which means it's almost Valentine's Day. Now, I'm not one of those people who gets all, "VALENTINE'S DAY IS STUPID!" as soon as the "holiday" rolls around. Let's remind ourselves, friends, that we can be our own Valentines. That can mean buying Chinese take out and watching a marathon of 30 Rock episodes. It can mean making a giant ice cream sundae for one. It can mean going to Blockbuster and buying 3 movies for $20 because you deserve it, dammit! It can mean getting to Walgreen's RIGHT after prime candy selling time and getting those big Reese's hearts for 50% off. Delicious! And no one will be all mopey because I'm not paying attention to them. Isn't that beautiful?

Celebrate yourself this year, especially if you get the urge to sit around feeling sorry and "lonely". Come ON people! If you can't love the one you're with (you!) then you are missing out on one of the best and most important relationships of your life. If YOU can't make yourself happy, then how is anyone else supposed to?



Love and kisses and a whole pile of delightful books to read,

Katie

christmas thoughts

How do you get a job in Santa's workshop? What is the application process?

What, exactly, does Santa make? Does he sit down at the work tables and help make toys? Does he just walk around with a clipboard? Does he help make iPods, for example? Does he endorse Apple or Microsoft?

Is it always fun in Santa's workshop?

Do they make hot cocoa instead of coffee in the breakroom?

Is Santa always jolly, or can he be a real pain in the ass as the holidays get closer?

How did he choose the North Pole as his living quarters?

What is the collective favorite holiday film of everyone at the North Pole? (I would choose "Elf".)

Are the other reindeer jealous because Rudolph has his own song? Is Rudolph like SO over that whole "saving Christmas" thing that happened like 100 years ago? Or does he still think he's the man?

Does Santa think claymation Christmas films are creepy? (I do.)

pet names pt. 1

I have been thinking lately of what I want to call my future significant other, when I have one. No comment on the status of any future significant other. But I have the names ready. SO STEP RIGHT UP, MENFOLK.

Here's what I have thought of so far:

-my little acorn (squirrel themed)

-my baby paint can

-my sweet flower pot

-ma petite pomme de terre avec le fromage (my little potato with cheese)

-my baby kitten paw

-my sweet marshmallow-stuffed pillow

-my birthday duck

-my little pile of crunchy fall leaves

-my sweet pet squirrel

Really. Fall just makes me want to walk around in track jackets and hold hands, enjoying the beautiful colors and crisp air and clear skies.

*insert wistful sigh here*

when i am the boss

When I am the boss of my as-yet-unnamed future company, there will be many rules. Rule number one: every hour there will be a 5 minute dance break in which the lights will go down, the floor will light up, and everyone must dance furiously as the song(s) of my choice play over the PA system. Dance in any style you want! I personally prefer the "Kermit flail", as it seems to best relieve me of stress. Water and snacks after!

Also, naps scheduled into the day.

Ice cream novelty day (bring your favorite ice cream novelty)!!!

A reading corner.

Movies in the lounge with a little popcorn stand.

What do we sell? That is not important! Don't concern yourself with silly details like that!

I think this is actually what it's like to work at Pixar. They have paper airplane contests and secret rooms (on top of making incredible films). So the REAL message here is: John Lassiter, HIRE MEEEE. Put me on your roster as "SUPERVISOR OF RECREATION". I can't animate, but I can do funny voices and bake cookies!

i am a carpenter

I have taken to building things on my own because I hate waiting for someone to help me. Thus, the new Wal-Mart bookshelf in my room. The box weighed 70 pounds. Somehow I managed to fanagle it onto the shopping cart's bottom rack and get it to the check out line. When I got out to my car, I tried to make it into a sort of bridge from the cart to the trunk, but the cart kept moving backwards, taking me with it. I think my pants were also having a seriously hard time staying up, for some reason or another, so everyone in the parking lot got a great look at my underwear (green with stars!). A lovely stranger came to my rescue with the words, "I'M COMING TO HELP YOU!" shouted in alarm as they ran over to me, probably witnessing one of the most pathetic scenes they'd ever seen (and in a Wal-Mart parking lot, no less)! When I got it back to my apartment, I had to carry it in piece by piece.

At that point, I thought the worst was over. But I would soon find out just how wrong I was.

The box said it should take one hour for one person to piece together the bookshelf. It took me 6 hours (with a short dinner break) and the walls of my room acting as another person to get the damn thing built. A new tool kit, 40 nails, countless swear words, a pile of screws that didn't QUITE fit in the holes, and a tearful phone call to my sister later, I FINALLY HAD A BOOKSHELF.

I bet Jesus himself would be extremely pissed at the shoddy craftsmanship of a Wal-Mart bookshelf. I said his name enough times that he at least had to know what was going on in this little corner of the world.

But on the PLUS side, I am a carpenter!!!!

let there be laugh

From now on, every time I see an Olive Garden commercial, when the commercial patrons make their requisite stupid joke, I will faux-laugh as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. No matter where I am. Alone. Amidst a giant group of strangers. On a date with the man of my dreams. Or a date that's hopelessly awkward. That's probably the same date in both scenarios. Anyway! The point is: loud, obnoxious laughter. Everywhere.

Try it. It may just be my greatest idea EVER. Faux-laugh after "alfredo". You'll see.

ways in which I would like to sign my letters

Letter signing is boring. "All my best," you may sign, not even knowing what all of your best actually is or what it involves. "Sincerely," you may write, when your true feelings are far from sincere. Or "From," possibly the most boring sign-off of all, without which your letter could be full of mystery and intrigue. So I've been thinking. What if I signed my letters like this?

All my best kittens,

Best sprinkles,

Regards to your goldfish,

From the lowest regions of hell,

Best wishes and dreams granted by your fairy Godmother,

Horrible, angry-faced cloud, rainy day wishes,

Yours truly unless I see you on the street in which case don't associate with me,

Your friend who loves cheese and WINE and drinking before 11am waaaaaaAAAaayYyy too much,

Congrats on your persevering to earn that potentially useless and very expensive degree,

Love from all the squirrels in the trees and the sky and the bushes and the secret rainbows too,

Many fluffy unicorns and pots of gold,

Oh god...there are just so many. Please, if you think of more, tell me. I am going to go write a whole pile of very short, delightfully signed letters now. Maybe YOU will get one :-O! (Probably not.)