Wednesday, July 28, 2010

new dream #2387

I HAVE A NEW DREAM (to add to my list of dreams)!

Started watching "Bones" last night (Netflix on Demand FTW!) and it is definitely growing on me. Emily Deschanel is great as anthropologist Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan, and David Boreanez (ANGEL) is delightfully snarky (and delicious) as her FBI partner. I WANT IN. And so, this leads me to my new grand dream: to play a feisty yet awkward and intellectual solver of mysteries and murders on a hit TV show. I will use my deductive powers, smarts, and PhD in Anthropology (or something...) and work / share banter with DAVID BOREANEZ (or someone...) to solve crimes and seek justice! Honestly, few things are more exciting to me than seeing an acting role and thinking: WAIT. I could play that girl. I AM that girl. It's a rare and mystical treat. Like a Super Mario ice cream bar or a kitten in a grocery bag.

(This entry counts for Tuesday, because I already have one planned for Wednesday. I mean today. Enjoy.)

Monday, July 26, 2010

what pets see

I took a bit of a hiatus (i.e. I was gone for part of the weekend), but don't worry. I AM BACK.

Today's topic: pets

Sometimes my cat Tigger follows me into the bathroom. I wonder what he thinks is going on in there? Sometimes he follows me into my room after I shower, so I'm getting dressed, and there he is, walking around, and then I think to myself: I wonder if he isn't confused by clothes. HE doesn't wear clothes. So what exactly am I putting on? Why do I not have gray fur and whiskers? What kind of creature voluntarily gets into a water box torture device? What AM I? (These are HIS thoughts, not mine.)

Tigger and I play this game every day of who can find the other one first. But now every day I find him in this paper grocery bag, and I want to tell him he is making the game really boring. He is really cute in that bag, though. Also in the picture of him in this entry!

Friday, July 23, 2010

i hate bees

Today's topic: Bees

Were bees sent to earth to plague me?

This question is rhetorical because YES. Yes, they WERE.

I'm hungry. For justice!

And also a bagel.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

something to think about

I actually have SOMETHING to do today (yes, indeed, an actual miracle!), so here is something short and sweet for you to ponder:

If you were lost in a forest of giant q-tips and had to sleep the night, wouldn't it be a comfort to know that you could make a nice, fluffy cotton bed to sleep on?

I wonder what kind of animals live in a q-tip forest. I hope bunnies.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

a sad truth

How old is too old to go chasing after the ice cream truck? Did you know that I have bionic hearing abilities, but they only work when a nearby ice cream truck is playing its happy tune to lure me outside, like a siren on the cliffs of the sea? To ignore this call is to stomp all over my 5-year-old self's life mission--little Katie would've been outraged to know that now I do not rush out the front door as soon as I hear what could be a tinkly ice cream truck song at least 10 miles away, screaming, "ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!" at the top of my lungs. But I'm almost 23! What am I supposed to do, 5-year-old Katie? If you were here, we could go together! All I need is a kid that can act as a front for me. I'll pay for their ice cream, and they'll act like they're the only one that wants said ice cream. I'll chase after them yelling, "Oh good LORD! It's just the ice cream truck, slow down!" but the observant bystander will notice that I myself am not slowing down. This MAY be one of my top 5 reasons for having my own kids someday.

But, I ask you, what is the point when the ice cream truck doesn't even HAVE Super Mario Ice Cream bars (a.k.a. the world's greatest ice cream novelty creation) anymore? With its delicious cherry flavor and gumball nose. I KNEW I should've bought them in bulk when I had the chance. But mom and dad only gave me $1.50. How was I to know they'd haunt my dreams all these many years?!

So I guess this means I better keep working on my time machine.

Monday, July 19, 2010

very important questions

Do spiders have eyelids?

Do they wink at us but we just can't see?

If they shut a few do they see a weird real-life puzzle with missing pieces?

How many eyelids shut constitutes a spider wink?

If a spider winked at you, would you run? Or would you miss it completely because you were already running?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

let there be laugh

From now on, every time I see an Olive Garden commercial, when the commercial patrons make their requisite stupid joke, I will faux-laugh as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. No matter where I am. Alone. Amidst a giant group of strangers. On a date with the man of my dreams. Or a date that's hopelessly awkward. That's probably the same date in both scenarios. Anyway! The point is: loud, obnoxious laughter. Everywhere.

Try it. It may just be my greatest idea EVER. Faux-laugh after "alfredo". You'll see.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

stop looking at me

A bug on the wall above my shower can ruin my entire shower experience, because first off, it's like it's watching me, and second off, lest it feel the urge to take a flying leap onto my shampooed hair, I must vigilantly keep one eye on it at all times. Which is hard because sometimes to rinse I HAVE to close both eyes, and there are a couple of seconds where ANYTHING can happen. I rinse as quickly as possible, snap my eyes back open, and zero in on Mr. Bug's last recorded location. And there he is, staring at me, PROBABLY with a mischievous gleam in his eye(s). What an ass. Yeah, sure, he may have had an epic, triumphant, peril-filled journey around the walls of the bathroom to get where he is, but why couldn't he have his adventure in someone else's bathroom?!

UPDATE: The bug who inspired this post is no longer with us. I'm not saying I'm a murderer. ...Okay, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Friday, July 16, 2010

ways in which I would like to sign my letters

Letter signing is boring. "All my best," you may sign, not even knowing what all of your best actually is or what it involves. "Sincerely," you may write, when your true feelings are far from sincere. Or "From," possibly the most boring sign-off of all, without which your letter could be full of mystery and intrigue. So I've been thinking. What if I signed my letters like this?

All my best kittens,

Best sprinkles,

Regards to your goldfish,

From the lowest regions of hell,

Best wishes and dreams granted by your fairy Godmother,

Horrible, angry-faced cloud, rainy day wishes,

Yours truly unless I see you on the street in which case don't associate with me,

Your friend who loves cheese and WINE and drinking before 11am waaaaaaAAAaayYyy too much,

Congrats on your persevering to earn that potentially useless and very expensive degree,

Love from all the squirrels in the trees and the sky and the bushes and the secret rainbows too,

Many fluffy unicorns and pots of gold,

Oh god...there are just so many. Please, if you think of more, tell me. I am going to go write a whole pile of very short, delightfully signed letters now. Maybe YOU will get one :-O! (Probably not.)