mascot

I think I would like it if a ham was a mascot for a team, and the team was called the Hamhocks. Nothing scarier? weirder? more delicious? than a giant ham running your way.

Consider this my return to the blogosphere.

(Mary, this is for you!)

christmas thoughts

How do you get a job in Santa's workshop? What is the application process?

What, exactly, does Santa make? Does he sit down at the work tables and help make toys? Does he just walk around with a clipboard? Does he help make iPods, for example? Does he endorse Apple or Microsoft?

Is it always fun in Santa's workshop?

Do they make hot cocoa instead of coffee in the breakroom?

Is Santa always jolly, or can he be a real pain in the ass as the holidays get closer?

How did he choose the North Pole as his living quarters?

What is the collective favorite holiday film of everyone at the North Pole? (I would choose "Elf".)

Are the other reindeer jealous because Rudolph has his own song? Is Rudolph like SO over that whole "saving Christmas" thing that happened like 100 years ago? Or does he still think he's the man?

Does Santa think claymation Christmas films are creepy? (I do.)

accomplishments

Every time I do something like wash my clothes, clean the bathroom, take out the garbage, or load the dishwasher, I am outrageously proud of myself. I expect the world to stand up, slow clap, and tell me, "YOU DID IT. LOOK AT YOU!"

That's normal, right?

Well, fine. If you guys aren't going to do it, I have a large stuffed animal following who WILL. Also, they will have tea parties with me. Total win-win.

I need a winter coat. I seem to have forgotten that it isn't summer anymore. I throw on a zip up sweatshirt and am constantly surprised that I'm cold.

This morning I had one of the 5-9am Container Store Merchandise Processing shifts. When I drag myself out of bed at 4:15am on these special mornings, I expect applause as well. Where IS everyone?! These are great accomplishments!

In an unrelated note, I am pretty sure elephants live upstairs. How else to explain the stomping and the at-least-one-time-a-day dropping of heavy furniture upon my ceiling* (*that is just what it sounds like)? I really just want to go up there and watch what's going on. They wouldn't have to change any of their behavior. I just want an explanation!

i am a carpenter

I have taken to building things on my own because I hate waiting for someone to help me. Thus, the new Wal-Mart bookshelf in my room. The box weighed 70 pounds. Somehow I managed to fanagle it onto the shopping cart's bottom rack and get it to the check out line. When I got out to my car, I tried to make it into a sort of bridge from the cart to the trunk, but the cart kept moving backwards, taking me with it. I think my pants were also having a seriously hard time staying up, for some reason or another, so everyone in the parking lot got a great look at my underwear (green with stars!). A lovely stranger came to my rescue with the words, "I'M COMING TO HELP YOU!" shouted in alarm as they ran over to me, probably witnessing one of the most pathetic scenes they'd ever seen (and in a Wal-Mart parking lot, no less)! When I got it back to my apartment, I had to carry it in piece by piece.

At that point, I thought the worst was over. But I would soon find out just how wrong I was.

The box said it should take one hour for one person to piece together the bookshelf. It took me 6 hours (with a short dinner break) and the walls of my room acting as another person to get the damn thing built. A new tool kit, 40 nails, countless swear words, a pile of screws that didn't QUITE fit in the holes, and a tearful phone call to my sister later, I FINALLY HAD A BOOKSHELF.

I bet Jesus himself would be extremely pissed at the shoddy craftsmanship of a Wal-Mart bookshelf. I said his name enough times that he at least had to know what was going on in this little corner of the world.

But on the PLUS side, I am a carpenter!!!!

my invention

Next time someone cuts me off on the expressway, cuts in front of me because they switched to the merging lane and flew past everyone else to get where they want to go 1 minute faster than the rest of us, rides my bumper like they are willing me down the road, or just generally pisses me off while I am driving, I shall press a button, and out will shoot a little suction arrow with a message. It will attach to their vehicle. The message could be any of the following:

-You cut me off. You are a bitch.
-Your left brake light is out, and it's REALLY pissing me off.
-Yes, you are waaaay more important than everyone else. Why don't you just go around this whole merging business until you can't get any further and then pull in ahead of us? We won't kill you, we promise. But someday you WILL wake up and your tires will be gone.
-Get off my ass. I hate you.
-God smites those who are IDIOTS. That means you, jackass.
-No one thinks you are cool. Mostly because you lost your toupee when you crossed 8 lanes of traffic at 100 mph.
-Since you didn't let me in, Santa is cancelling Christmas and all the bees are going to die and you will have no one to blame but YOURSELF.

What else? Suggestions?

I feel better now!

can't help myself

I would apologize for my nerdiness, but this is my blog, so instead I shall say: Enjoy this delightful and hilarious (to me) LOLcat. LOLcats should pay me for my advertising. If they were a company. Which they sadly are not.

Lord of the Rings + LOLcat = a happier heart

something to think about

I actually have SOMETHING to do today (yes, indeed, an actual miracle!), so here is something short and sweet for you to ponder:

If you were lost in a forest of giant q-tips and had to sleep the night, wouldn't it be a comfort to know that you could make a nice, fluffy cotton bed to sleep on?

I wonder what kind of animals live in a q-tip forest. I hope bunnies.

a sad truth

How old is too old to go chasing after the ice cream truck? Did you know that I have bionic hearing abilities, but they only work when a nearby ice cream truck is playing its happy tune to lure me outside, like a siren on the cliffs of the sea? To ignore this call is to stomp all over my 5-year-old self's life mission--little Katie would've been outraged to know that now I do not rush out the front door as soon as I hear what could be a tinkly ice cream truck song at least 10 miles away, screaming, "ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!" at the top of my lungs. But I'm almost 23! What am I supposed to do, 5-year-old Katie? If you were here, we could go together! All I need is a kid that can act as a front for me. I'll pay for their ice cream, and they'll act like they're the only one that wants said ice cream. I'll chase after them yelling, "Oh good LORD! It's just the ice cream truck, slow down!" but the observant bystander will notice that I myself am not slowing down. This MAY be one of my top 5 reasons for having my own kids someday.


But, I ask you, what is the point when the ice cream truck doesn't even HAVE Super Mario Ice Cream bars (a.k.a. the world's greatest ice cream novelty creation) anymore? With its delicious cherry flavor and gumball nose. I KNEW I should've bought them in bulk when I had the chance. But mom and dad only gave me $1.50. How was I to know they'd haunt my dreams all these many years?!

So I guess this means I better keep working on my time machine.

very important questions

Do spiders have eyelids?

Do they wink at us but we just can't see?

If they shut a few do they see a weird real-life puzzle with missing pieces?

How many eyelids shut constitutes a spider wink?

If a spider winked at you, would you run? Or would you miss it completely because you were already running?

let there be laugh

From now on, every time I see an Olive Garden commercial, when the commercial patrons make their requisite stupid joke, I will faux-laugh as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. No matter where I am. Alone. Amidst a giant group of strangers. On a date with the man of my dreams. Or a date that's hopelessly awkward. That's probably the same date in both scenarios. Anyway! The point is: loud, obnoxious laughter. Everywhere.

Try it. It may just be my greatest idea EVER. Faux-laugh after "alfredo". You'll see.

ways in which I would like to sign my letters

Letter signing is boring. "All my best," you may sign, not even knowing what all of your best actually is or what it involves. "Sincerely," you may write, when your true feelings are far from sincere. Or "From," possibly the most boring sign-off of all, without which your letter could be full of mystery and intrigue. So I've been thinking. What if I signed my letters like this?

All my best kittens,

Best sprinkles,

Regards to your goldfish,

From the lowest regions of hell,

Best wishes and dreams granted by your fairy Godmother,

Horrible, angry-faced cloud, rainy day wishes,

Yours truly unless I see you on the street in which case don't associate with me,

Your friend who loves cheese and WINE and drinking before 11am waaaaaaAAAaayYyy too much,

Congrats on your persevering to earn that potentially useless and very expensive degree,

Love from all the squirrels in the trees and the sky and the bushes and the secret rainbows too,

Many fluffy unicorns and pots of gold,

Oh god...there are just so many. Please, if you think of more, tell me. I am going to go write a whole pile of very short, delightfully signed letters now. Maybe YOU will get one :-O! (Probably not.)