i am a carpenter

I have taken to building things on my own because I hate waiting for someone to help me. Thus, the new Wal-Mart bookshelf in my room. The box weighed 70 pounds. Somehow I managed to fanagle it onto the shopping cart's bottom rack and get it to the check out line. When I got out to my car, I tried to make it into a sort of bridge from the cart to the trunk, but the cart kept moving backwards, taking me with it. I think my pants were also having a seriously hard time staying up, for some reason or another, so everyone in the parking lot got a great look at my underwear (green with stars!). A lovely stranger came to my rescue with the words, "I'M COMING TO HELP YOU!" shouted in alarm as they ran over to me, probably witnessing one of the most pathetic scenes they'd ever seen (and in a Wal-Mart parking lot, no less)! When I got it back to my apartment, I had to carry it in piece by piece.

At that point, I thought the worst was over. But I would soon find out just how wrong I was.

The box said it should take one hour for one person to piece together the bookshelf. It took me 6 hours (with a short dinner break) and the walls of my room acting as another person to get the damn thing built. A new tool kit, 40 nails, countless swear words, a pile of screws that didn't QUITE fit in the holes, and a tearful phone call to my sister later, I FINALLY HAD A BOOKSHELF.

I bet Jesus himself would be extremely pissed at the shoddy craftsmanship of a Wal-Mart bookshelf. I said his name enough times that he at least had to know what was going on in this little corner of the world.

But on the PLUS side, I am a carpenter!!!!

my invention

Next time someone cuts me off on the expressway, cuts in front of me because they switched to the merging lane and flew past everyone else to get where they want to go 1 minute faster than the rest of us, rides my bumper like they are willing me down the road, or just generally pisses me off while I am driving, I shall press a button, and out will shoot a little suction arrow with a message. It will attach to their vehicle. The message could be any of the following:

-You cut me off. You are a bitch.
-Your left brake light is out, and it's REALLY pissing me off.
-Yes, you are waaaay more important than everyone else. Why don't you just go around this whole merging business until you can't get any further and then pull in ahead of us? We won't kill you, we promise. But someday you WILL wake up and your tires will be gone.
-Get off my ass. I hate you.
-God smites those who are IDIOTS. That means you, jackass.
-No one thinks you are cool. Mostly because you lost your toupee when you crossed 8 lanes of traffic at 100 mph.
-Since you didn't let me in, Santa is cancelling Christmas and all the bees are going to die and you will have no one to blame but YOURSELF.

What else? Suggestions?

I feel better now!

let there be laugh

From now on, every time I see an Olive Garden commercial, when the commercial patrons make their requisite stupid joke, I will faux-laugh as loudly and obnoxiously as possible. No matter where I am. Alone. Amidst a giant group of strangers. On a date with the man of my dreams. Or a date that's hopelessly awkward. That's probably the same date in both scenarios. Anyway! The point is: loud, obnoxious laughter. Everywhere.

Try it. It may just be my greatest idea EVER. Faux-laugh after "alfredo". You'll see.